It's been 9 months and it still hasn't fully sunk in that fatherhood is the next experience waiting for me.
I feel like I've spent this time pacing back and forth, navigating every corner of the befuddling labyrinth of thoughts and memories that make up my crazy mind, all to pass the time and maybe get a little prepared. Up to recently, though, I've felt like I've been crouching in the corner of an empty room, clutching my knees and rocking myself, muttering "when when when when when when when?"
I get these flashes of certain moments: when I first hold his little pink body in my arms, when he first opens his eyes, poops on my shirt, laughs at one of my jokes (only because he doesn't understand me), when Jamie rocks him to sleep.
My mind is ragged with anticipation.
It's Halloween weekend and I haven't spent more than 3 seconds thinking about what to do, how to celebrate or even whether or not to carve this ridiculously expensive pumpkin we bought (there'll be a cartoon about that coming). Halloween! One of my favorites! But all I've got on the mind is that belly. That little pokey belly button, stretched skin and tightening muscles. Everything else is so unimportant.
So where am I at now? We've done the class thing and the midwife thing, the home prep thing and the back up plan thing.
But that all comes and goes. Where am I in my head? I can get up in there and climb on one of the empty niches in the wall of my brain and scream "HEY! Are you ready for this?!" I can poke and prod the labyrinth walls hoping to make the place more aware of things ahead. But I don't know.
Maybe we're always going to be a little unaware of what the future will look like. Maybe that's the beauty of it, the freedom of flexibility. Maybe we'll always be a little afraid we won't make the right choice or live the best example. Maybe it'll help keep us on our toes.
I'm ready. I'm ready for the leap into what comes next, fully aware of how unaware I am of what that means. It's a mess. A beautiful, terrifying, blessed mess.
3 comments:
Thanks for sharing this, Erik. You're going to be a great dad --you're BOTH going to be great parents. I can't wait to hear the news that your little guy's finally here!
Just about every day of this past week I've had at least a crossing thought of whether or not your baby had been born yet. We're all in suspense, Erik!
A labyrinth is death sentence, a lair of minotaurs and a haunt of despair. I'd prefer the idea that it has been more like a puzzle, a confusion of interlocking parts, that only effort, patience and time discern into a harmonious image.
But then again what do I know.
Congratulations, though and take heart and persevere, if you feel the slightest trepidation it is because you are closer now to God, than ever you have been - and the fear of God, is the beginning of wisdom.
Post a Comment